And one day just like that…

I re-discovered my inner light…

I embraced my inner warrior… 

I snatched my power back…

And the whole game changed…

Moving to another country is a hard thing to do.. it seems romantiche and a dream.. but you learn a lot about yourself after you get there. 

Even if you think you are a quiet person before you leave your home country…. you realize you talked a whole lot more than you thought you did… 

English is my first language and I knew a bit of Italian before I left. Actually I thought I knew more.. and I got here and realized I know nothing and all I want to do is talk… that being said.. I’ve been here for a month and I can have typical conversations with people and order in a restaurant or bar and read the menu in Italian and I can understand a good 85% of what is said to me as long as it is not in dialect… 

And here in lies where you do a whole lot of soul searching… 

instead of making meaningless idle chatter with someone/anyone you think in your head. Also Italians have a way or thinking in the terms of avere and essere, To have or to be… 

I have hunger and I am (enter in any emotion).

I take a train and bring someone somewhere.

I go to my car and train station and return home.

It is just a way if changing your thinking patterns.. and all the shit I have been through.. which I jokingly (but not really, I’m pretty serious) call the dark times in my head.. I have many moments of self-doubt, occasionally bursts of self pity that kills me, some sleepless nights where everything runs through my mind like a stampede of wild horses and some days that I am super happy…. and I know to love another person you have to love yourself because you can not depend on anyone for approval or you are always going to be searching for things that you will never find. Be secure in yourself.

I’m guilty lately of focusing so hard on everything that can go wrong in my life that I wasn’t seeing the good In Anything around me.. and also trying to make good situations bad.. almost a self sabotage. Deep down I felt some shifts going on inside me mentally and no growth can ever come without heartache and trials… 

So two nights past I couldn’t sleep. It started Friday I was on the train headed home and I started grieving tattoo (my horse). I started thinking about how much I loved him and I missed every damn thing about him and our relationship.. and I got super sad.. went out with friends and played like I was a happy.. a couple of them know me well enough to know behind my smile that my eyes will tell you all…  but I assured them I was ok.. 

really no, I was on the brink of a emotional crisis… then Saturday i got some stomach virus.. and I will admit throwing up in these toilets is different but you are super close to the bidet if you need to wash 🤣.

And Sunday I went to a restaurant and hotel expo and again was surrounded by friends.. and I was somewhat melancholy but having a good time.. Sunday night.. I couldn’t sleep I dreamed of trigger and a huge car wreck and situations were running around in my head and I got to thinking about the whole victim of a narcissist theories and I realized by god that mother fucker broke me down slowly over time… 

then I started feeling really what I was sad about. I didn’t realize how strong I was. I used to know how strong I was..without a doubt.. then I got told I was doing to much or not doing it right or you freaking name it.. 

I got cheated on, that makes me think well hell what was wrong with me and if this happened once. What is going to make it not happen again…

Ad nauseum.. seriously…

So I sat back and thought.. you dropped everything and moved to Italy because it was a dream in your heart for a long time.. that took balls. I had the courage and strength to walk away from the dark times. I had the courage to close my office where I had put heart and soul into it for years. I had the courage to travel thousands of miles to a different country where I wasn’t fluent in their language..

I was brilliant enough to graduate med school and I forgot the fact I graduated high school early. 

I have more initials after my name then most people and I have DR (DOTT.SSA) in front of my name which by all means I had the endurance to work towards..  

I can ride the hair off of a horse and I can cook you whatever your heart desires and top it off with desert. 

I take good care of my body, inside and out. 

I am not fat and I am not skinny in fact I eat the damn pasta and gelato and I walk and do yoga.  I’m curvy like real women should be and if you think I’m fat then your a dog because like my mama always said meat is for the man and bone is for the dog.  I am healthy which a lot of people can’t say for themselves and I am thankful for that. 

I am currently surrounded by people that have become more than friends they have become extended family and they actually care.. 

And I say to my soulmate.. You will see my light and see that I am worth everything in the world..

Because I finally realized.. I am me and no one else in this world will ever be me and if you don’t see it.. you are the fool..  so tonight I will raise a glass and say a toast “here’s to the sorry bastards that lost me and here is to the lucky one that sees me for who I am”.

I’m not sure what Italy is doing to me but I feel I’m Whole again..