“Sometimes in solitude there is healing. Speak to your soul. Listen to your heart. The answers are often found in the absence of noise.” – Dodinsky
Have you wondered where I have been? I have been soul searching because something had to give, I was dying slowly inside for a few years…
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| After a week in Italy… I was happy again |
You love 3 times in your life. the first love is the high school hopes and dreams crushed. The second love is the tough love, you are just glad you made it out alive… that’s where I have been. it was like a drive by shooting.. I was just happy to make it out alive. And Alas the 3rd will be the best and most well deserved…
If you haven’t gotten the hint. I have filed for Divorce, I have been in a power couple relationship with myself for a few years now. Apparently I was just married on paper. I knew this day was coming. I just didn’t know how much of myself I was willing to give up. But thinking on this fact, I have realized I wasn’t who I was when I got married, I was smashed down and not able to be my bright and shiny self.
It got to the point that people were telling me they were worried about me and the way I looked….
I moved in to my parents house.. and went back where my heart is happy.. and found myself again…
Now getting back here was kind of an emotional roller coaster, I cried because I lost my horses, I cried because I lost my house, I cried and cried for loosing my roots. But, I haven’t cried over loosing someone that was supposed to be a partner. My actual real Partner was Tattoo, he loved me unconditionally..
I feel a hole in my heart not having him, all those nights and days I whispered my dreams and secrets to him…. and now I have no one really to talk to.
So I took a bit of a sabbatical from all external stimuli and here I am. I have focus again, I am back to myself. I have started to take care of me again and I can actually say I’m happy. Melancholy when I think of Tattoo, but I’m ok. I’m not going to apologize for the pieces I am in, but, someone will put my pieces back together and polish me and I will shine only for them.
After my first airplane ride, I decided to think about what I have learned. I have learned what it is like not to be love din a good, positive fulfilling way. I found out what I will not ever put up with again, and what I want out of love. I’ve learned about emotional and mental warfare, I’ve learned I’m the only one I have been able to depend on for many years, I never had a rock.. my rock has always been myself. I have learned I am not afraid of the dark side, because that’s where we grow and learn. That’s where we find out what we’re made of and find out just how much we can survive.
My second trip I have discovered more things.
No 1. Know your worth.. meaning have a strong constitution and what you stand for, and stand for it, know how much you will bend before you break walking that fine line… Keep in mind, calmly be assertive. No it is not ok for you to belittle me, and no you cannot treat me like I’m farm help. Things like that. Be firm in the fact that you were supposed to be loved, not diminished and you are supposed to be polished and told your beautiful, not belittled because you work out or try to eat healthy.
No 2. Never poke the beast or feed it. I fell into passive aggressive behaviors, which I am adamantly against. I used to keep my aggression up front where I can see it. but, living with someone that has flip out trips and PTSD will make you suppress your feelings to keep the peace. and I would occasionally poke the beast by buying beer all the time, or that extra bottle of jack daniels, or be real stubborn when I didn’t want to do extra farm chores and I wanted to go shop or do girl shit. and that ended in guilt trips geared towards me and a bunch of bullshit and temper tantrums that I shouldn’t have had to deal with. Going back to numero uno, I should have said no and stood my ground, but, I ended up coming across like I wasn’t going to stand up for myself.. and that lead me to panic and anxiety attacks and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
No 3. Address the big elephant in the room and do not divert attentions elsewhere… I took another job as a diversion technique, I took up a shift at the hospital. So between running my private office, the shift at the hospital and taking care of the horses in the morning and at night when I was done with working… I avoided the big elephant in the room for a good 22 hours out of the day. So I was burning the candle at both ends and burnt myself out and left no energy to put up with bullshit. which ended in a major panic attack.. and divorce.
No 4. Never hold yourself back from improvement, mental or professionally… NOT in any way. I mentioned going back to school and furthering my education and I got a lot of resistance to it all. whether it was “you’re already so much in debt, why would you want to go back”, “higher education is bullshit”, “aren’t you smart enough”, “how long is that going to take” or whatever else negative things you can think of. Here is what I have learned… You can take EVERYTHING away from me.. all my stuff, all my friends, my car, my kitchen.. Everything period. But, I still have my brain and my education. You will never be able to take any of that from me. There is no wasted money on your own brain. granted.. It was taking all of my energy to maintain sanity in myself, so School might not have been a good answer.
No 5. Don’t lie to yourself or others. And I don’t mean little white lies.. I mean I lied about how things weren’t bad. I never let others see how much bullshit I was putting up with. and he sure didn’t allow anyone to see what was going on. He would get to drinking and start telling people how much he loved me and how awesome I was and what a lucky man he was. It was all bullshit the real story was when he’d get drunk and tell me it was in my best interest never to talk to him in that manner when his friends were around, or waking me up at 3:30 in the morning to bitch I didn’t make chicken salad out of the left over chicken…
No 6. Your love will never change anyone or what lies in their heart. I’m a physician, and a cancer astrological sign. I am a healer, nurturer and unconditional love giver once you place yourself in my heart. I used to hear “no one will love you like I do” and I believed that for a while, the last time he said it to me, I thought “and thank God for that”. He also used to tell me that if it wasn’t for me he would have committed suicide.. and yet he wouldn’t get help for it, yet, I was not the reason he was still alive. In fact I mattered very very little.
No 7. Never every let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do. If I wanted to go out to eat or to a show at the opera house and he didn’t, we didn’t. Or he would complain that I was needed to be doing something else. Or if I made plans, he would quickly change them because we were supposed to do what he wanted and I again did not matter that much. It was brought to my attention one time, that I had talked about going to the Scottish Highland games with a bunch of my girlfriends, after we planned for months. The morning I went to leave, he stood there and told me he had plans on fixing fences and doing this or that, that he needed help with… If you are wondering, I walked right out of that door and never though about it again, And had a great time in Savannah and my whole life changed that weekend.
No 8. Know who you are and who you are not. I found out I’m this beautiful wonderful woman, I have a good personality and I get along with mostly everyone. During some soul searching I found out I wanted children, which I was told I needed to just remove my uterus. I wanted children, but just not with him. I never thought he was good breeding stock and I should have thought about that a lot before I got married. And honestly, I didn’t need or want kids at that time when I was graduating from med school and trying to start my career and pass board exams. But, I got settled.. and my biological clock started ticking….. changes needed to happen, and they did…
No 9. If this is not a way to live and DON’T change yourself, You cannot make change happen alone. None of the thinking If you stay out of the house more, or work harder around the house, or do more laundry, wash more dishes, keep the house cleaner… things will change… they won’t. You are still going to be pissed off that the trash is overflowing and you are the only person that walks by the trash and sees it. You are the only one that washes dishes after you use them. You are the only one that knows how to take your muddy boots off at the door, or clean up after a mess you make. A Relationship should be 50/50. If it is not, and your partner isn’t willing to bend and help, just leave. both parties need to be willing to help and keep communication lines open. Don’t ever let things bottle up inside.
And this is what I have learned in my first attempt at marriage.
I like to think I am wiser and more mature. I know who I am, what I want and I will stop at nothing to get it.
Happiness is what I strive for. If it doesn’t make Tara happy Tara will not do it. End of Story.
I will also listen to that little feeling in the pit of your stomach. I ignored it and I ended up in a very shitty situation.